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Madness: What makes you mad?

Madness: What makes you mad?

I have a feeling that a lot of people out there think they are seen as mental. I, for one, know that I regard myself very ‘out there’, which translates into lunacy. I mean, talking to yourself from time to time could have that hint of a few screws loose, and it’s of course famously known for being the ‘first sign of madness’, but does it really mean that you are officially bonkers?

Follow this guide to see if you/ people think you are fit for the mental hospital.

First: Do you twitch occasionally? If so, you might be regarded as someone who has something not quite right. But then again, that could be something like Tourette’s, so… scratch that.

Second: Do you have an imaginary friend? Now, I’m all for having a friend who listens to everything you say, but some people would look at you just a bit weirdly when you suddenly start talking to thin air. You have to have a pretty good imagination to be able to create your own real life person, so if you want my opinion, screw them and go seize the opportunity to be famous for your imagination like the guy who wrote Alice in Wonderland. Don’t forget to mention me in the acknowledgements.

Third: Do you possess a certain look that scares the hell out of people? If so, you might want to rethink getting that plastic surgery you never wanted. Ok, maybe not so extreme, but seriously, having a weird look on your face might make people automatically think you are a bit of a lunatic.

Fourth: Mumbling occasionally is, I admit, regretfully worse than having a weird look. What are you mumbling? Why are you doing it? Are you ok? Are you…mentally ill? That is the train of thought that goes through an average person’s mind.

Fifth: Foaming at the mouth. Maybe you have rabies. See the doctor about that.

Sixth: Looking like you’ve murdered someone/thing.  People will look at you warily and clutch their handbags out of protection.  I really disagree with that though. If you ask me, the more you clutch your bag, the more people would be inclined to steal. If you give them your bag and say ‘here, not like I’ve got anything valuable in there anyways,’ ninety percent of them will give it back to you. Backward psychology; works every time… not with this though. Saying ‘I’ve killed someone’ will not make them think that you’re totally innocent, instead it will be like giving them a charged phone with ten pounds credit telling them to call 999 and get you arrested. So yeah… don’t do that.

We’re climbing up the ranks of lunacy now, past the half way mark. If you’re still following this list then God help you and me – I’m still going strong!

Seventh: Unexplained behaviour. Do you sometimes shout ‘BOGEYS’, when you least expect it? Does it just flow out of your mouth like any other normal word you might say, for example ‘hello’? If you do, you have a grave chance of being a bit of a freak. It happened to me once: I think I was so high on excitement, I felt like a rebelling teenager; I could do anything I wanted. I hopped on the bus, laughed quite horrendously at the bus driver and shouted: ‘TARZAN LIVES!’ Yeah, maybe they were real drugs I was high on. People might view you with steely eyes, some with amusement etched in their face, but the majority will have fear pouring from their features. That’s the sign that you’re sanity is slowly slipping away.

Eighth: Peeing in places other than the toilet. I honestly can’t see why anyone would do that apart from the fact that they’re not in their right mind. Maybe you have a completely plausible explanation for this: someone else is using the toilet, your toilet has broken, or... you don’t have a toilet. But other people who are walking past and see you doing such a horrifying act in public will not think of anything like that. Rather they will skip to the most extreme and put it down to madness.

Ninth: This is where talking to yourself (loudly) comes in. So, I think people were wrong to say that it is the first sign of madness; it’s a lot further down the list. The reasons for this are:

a)      You’re saying your thoughts out loud. Who does that, apart from the protagonists in Indian dramas?

b)      There’s no-one that can possibly give you the answer, it’s all you.

c)       It’s a KNOWN sign of madness. The others could be written down as something else, like a medical reason for twitching, being on drugs for imaginative friend, your natural face for scaring the hell out of people and looking like you’ve murdered someone, and so on.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that there could be other plausible reasons for the above, all apart from talking to yourself. It’s what everyone sees as madness.

And last but not least, the tenth: It’s a follow on from the ninth one, but I think that this is quite simply the last straw. Irritating yourself so much that you decline talking to yourself ever again. As funny as that might sound (it sounds pretty funny doesn’t it?) refusing to talk to yourself is what a lot of people would see as being mentally challenged. It’s just that extra step forward from being an idiot and talking to yourself in the first place. If you actually get that angry at yourself… well, welcome to the mental hospital.

On a serious note, some people do actually suffer from mental illnesses and have the very symptoms that I have just described, so if you feel you or anyone you know might have the signs of being mentally ill, don’t hesitate to call the number below.

0800 111 111